A&E Cults and Extreme Beliefs, Rachel Bernstein Podcasts, Pamela Baker, LMHC, LPC, etc.:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why talk about it? \u201cTo liberate myself\u2026 To be able to give myself some sort of affirmation that what I did was worth it.\u201d JW
\u201cI can change the experience that everyone has coming out.\u201da
\u201cThat\u2019s where the healing starts, is by helping others.\u201djw
Repercussions upon Deciding to Leave: A&E Cults and Extreme Beliefs \u201cIf you choose not to live my life, then you\u2019re not my daughter anymore.\u201da \u201cI stayed\u2026for my mother. I was told, \u2018if you leave, then our relationship changes.\u2019 \u2026I didn\u2019t want to lose her.\u201da \u201cAfter leaving my parents I was shunned. Everything that reminded my mother of me, she threw in the garbage when I left.\u201d a
\u201cScared of the repercussions of walking away – what people would do, what they would say, you\u2019re shunned\u2026they\u2019re not allowed to talk to you. They see you\u2026they have to look the other way.\u201djw<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why Leave? \u201cIt\u2019s something that I have to do to move forward with my life.\u201djw<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thoughts After Leaving? \u201cI\u2019m done with you and you can\u2019t hurt me anymore.\u201djw\u201cI feel relieved, I feel free, I divorced myself from them\u2026 and I\u2019m no longer afraid.\u201djw<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On Encountering Someone from the Group: \u201cMy throat\u2019s in my stomach and I\u2019m scared.\u201djw<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Religion: \u201cDo you practice any sort of religion?\u201d
\n\u201cI would rather live under a bridge\u2026There\u2019s a trust issue for me at this point.\u201d jw
\n\u201cIf there\u2019s more to life and I missed it, then, so be it.\u201da<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rachel Bernstein, LMFT:
\nDoes the life you have resemble the life you wanted?
\nHe has hurt me, and he has never cared.
\nI deserve to be with someone kind.
\nMy happiness should matter too.
\nI\u2019m not asking for too much. I\u2019m not selfish and demanding because I want things to be fair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What do you hope to be able to feel?
\nIncreased confidence?
\nIs it just, not panic and fear?
\nIs it just, not subservience?
\nAre you able to attend to yourself, be with someone who attends to you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You never signed up to be belittled, to be beaten down, to be controlled, to forfeit your life, your happiness.
\nYou NEVER signed up to NOT MATTER.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You didn\u2019t sign up for this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your loyalty and sense of duty and doing the right thing and sticking to your commitments has been keeping you in a situation that is slowly killing you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
YOU DON\u2019T HAVE TO KEEP THINGS A SECRET ANYMORE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
YOU DON\u2019T HAVE TO KEEP THEIR SECRETS.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
REMEMBER, YOU\u2019VE ALREADY PROTECTED THEM MUCH MORE THAN THEY\u2019VE EVER PROTECTED YOU.
\nThe only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
People who respect you also respect your boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you no longer care, and if you know of yourself that you are a forgiving or loyal person, you know then you\u2019re at a point where you have given someone many, many chances – probably way too many –
\nto change, to be different, to be kind, to be gentle, to be fair to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And you\u2019ve been drained of energy, and you\u2019ve been drained of empathy. It\u2019s not who you are. You\u2019ve given enough. Don\u2019t feel like it is on you, that you have to be better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You\u2019re so used to having to ask for permission. You\u2019re so used to not trusting your instincts, trying to find ways to just make them happy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You\u2019ll feel the need to somehow justify, explain, try to reason why you\u2019re unhappy or why you\u2019re leaving, or come up with a good enough reason that you don\u2019t need to be in the relationship anymore. And explain that you\u2019re not trying to abandon them, being abusive or ungrateful – you don\u2019t have to do any of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You don\u2019t have to explain yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s hard because you suddenly have to show strength at the time that you are feeling your weakest. So, how do you get strong when you\u2019re feeling shaky?
\nKnow and be prepared that you are going to be seen by the person you\u2019re leaving as rude, abusive, stubborn, spoiled, crazy – to people who are no longer able to manipulate you and control you as easily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They\u2019ll turn on you and tell you you\u2019re being some very awful things – usually they\u2019ll accuse you of being the things they know you\u2019re most sensitive about making sure you would never be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I miss them, even though, I was so unhappy and even though I think they never really loved me, and they were never going to be kind to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel guilty thinking of them being alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is still part of me that wants to believe that if I came back it would be different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They\u2019re so toxic that the kindest people have to leave them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They\u2019re just better manipulators.
\n-stick with your boundaries
\n-block them
\n-don\u2019t speak with them directly, use a mediator until you don\u2019t need to be in contact with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They are not missing you.
\nThey are missing the control they had over you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He will be charming, confident, secure, charismatic, and you might feel specially chosen to be with him. The highs are high, and the lows are low. This will be a very unpredictable and volatile relationship at best.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
\nIt\u2019s often what people say about cult groups and being in a relationship with a narcissist is very much like being in a One-on-One Cult\u2026
\n-all consuming
\n-you feel so special
\n-start to feel insecure about yourself and not know why
\n-along with this high\u2026 this person is probably making digs. Digs that (you\u2019re) not quite noticing in an overt way. They\u2019re making little comments, like tiny insults, patronizing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
-anger
\n-inflated ego
\n-high drama
\nentitled to do and say anything<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you\u2019ve been involved in a relationship with a narcissist, by virtue of being raised by one\u2026 very much like being in a Cult, a One-on-One Cult, of sorts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It painted a picture of them being in a situation that could play with their minds. Where somebody had taken them over without their knowledge or consent and had split them off from the rest of the world.
\nThat analogy works because being in a relationship where someone has an insatiable need for attention and adoration means that you will matter less all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You will matter less all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s familiar to ask for permission rather than making a statement about something or making a decision on your own. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s all too familiar to judge your own value based upon how pleased another person is with you – and therefor, the value you have to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You find yourself surviving rather than thriving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of people will say that they spent a lot of their childhood and early adulthood not really being able to figure out who they were because they were so busy tending, again, to the insatiable needs of somebody else and they haven\u2019t learned how to be proud of themselves, have an internal guide that tells them they\u2019re doing a good job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Groomed and trained to play that emotionally subservient role.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You don\u2019t get to follow your own voice, your own instinct and define what your goals are or even define your sense of self. Instead, they defer to the other person who\u2019s in charge of them, to define who they are and also tell them about how they should feel about themselves.
\nIt\u2019s a very disorienting life, and it\u2019s so important to \u2026try if you can to be brave enough \u2026to develop a sense of self – even if it makes the person in charge of you unhappy with you for doing so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I never know enough, so, instead of being able to have a knowledgeable conversation, if I can connect two intelligent people, I can quietly step out of the way.
\nThink ahead, Plan ahead, Keep the Peace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hear your own voice louder than theirs and have your voice be positive and drown out their negative thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pamela Baker, LMHC, LPC,
Children are going to be attracted to the strong person vs the mean person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Covert incest concept:
\nEmotionally creating a surrogate partner in the child against the other partner.
\nAgainst mother, creates jealousy.
\nMom, hostile, critical, tense, difficult, and you were captive to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Remember the reality of the situation. You were captive for hours or days. Did you have the ability to say no or set boundaries? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You\u2019ve grown, they haven\u2019t. They\u2019re still trying to play the same game by the old rules. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You established healthy boundaries, but, it\u2019s still difficult when you establish those, and the person doesn\u2019t walk up to that line and meet you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rabbi Ed Feinstein, Feb 2020
\nCan you laugh? One of the signs of a controlling community or \u2026relationship, is that you\u2019ve lost laughter\u2026 unable to poke fun at it.
\n\u2026Irreverence is punished instead of embraced.
\n\u2026A humorless relationship tells you something\u2019s wrong. That\u2019s not the way it\u2019s supposed to be. Joy, laughter, warmth, are part of connection that\u2019s healthy.
\nBefore you can worship God, you have to care about the people about you.
\nThe first place to worship God is to care about the people in the circle about you.
\nA religious leader\u2019s job is to make sure that you are growing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Any time it\u2019s about me, not you, any time I\u2019m suppressing the soul of anyone, I\u2019m abusing my privilege, power and prerogative as a clergyman. I\u2019m conducting Evil.
That\u2019s what Evil is.
The clinical definition of Evil is when I separate myself from you and ask for my aggrandizement at the cost of your suppression.
That\u2019s Just Evil.
Both have to exist at the same time. One is the duty to obey (follow, serve & revere) and one is the duty to disobey (question, be skeptical & critical).
If a religious community tells you to suppress the voice of irreverence, criticism, to not ask a question, RUN, because it is an oppressive community that will ultimately end up destroying souls.
But if a community says, \u2018Go ahead, ask me any question you want. Tell me why I\u2019m wrong,\u2019 That\u2019s a community that you can belong to because it\u2019s a community that recognizes that you are a thinking, feeling moral human soul.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A&E Cults and Extreme Beliefs, Rachel Bernstein Podcasts, Pamela Baker, LMHC, LPC, etc.: Why talk about it? \u201cTo liberate myself\u2026 To be able to give myself some sort of affirmation that what I did was worth it.\u201d JW \u201cI can change the experience that everyone has coming out.\u201da \u201cThat\u2019s where the healing starts, is by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":182,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/358"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=358"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/358\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":497,"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/358\/revisions\/497"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/182"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cultedchild.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}